


bring me back (or i'll drown)

by flowerpetal275



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Big Brother Amaimon, Demon Okumura Rin, Depressed Okumura Rin, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Sibling Okumura Yukio, Hurt Okumura Rin, Injury Recovery, Mental Health Issues, Okumura Rin Needs a Hug, Protective Amaimon, Protective Mephisto, Protective Okumura Yukio, Recovery, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29484249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerpetal275/pseuds/flowerpetal275
Summary: Rin Okumura struggles to handle his own mind as the world seems to only beat him down. What's he to do, other than find the quickest, easiest way to control both his emotions and his flames?Unfortunately for Rin, Yukio isn't a complete a**wipe in this fic, and the depressed son of Satan quickly finds himself stuck between a rock and a hard place as his younger brother works to pull Rin to the surface, back from his self-deprecating habits.But is it possible to save something that's already sunk to the bottom?ORI just read a fic where Yukio's off his rocker and he hates Rin's guts so uhhhh...I decided to write my own fic with some Good Brother Yukio Okumura™ (:__major trigger warnings, please read at your own discretion.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	bring me back (or i'll drown)

**Author's Note:**

> one more notice: major trigger warnings, please read at your own discretion. 
> 
> stay safe <3
> 
> *set after the kyoto saga arc*

"Yukio! I'm home!" I call out into the empty dorm. My voice echoes down the hall, the hollow noise somehow making the building seem that much more lonely. "Figures." I grumble, slamming it shut behind me. 

Yukio's never home when Cram school ends. He's never home when I get back from my evening run, and he's sometimes just barely home in time for dinner. _Sometimes._

All in all, I don't see my brother all that much these days. 

Half of me chalks it up to him doing his Exorcist crap, and the other, darker half tells me he stays out just to stay out. I know Yukio can't stand me, he really drove that in with the death threats on the first day of Cram. So I wouldn't be surprised if he goes out of his way to keep my life out of his. 

" _Rin_!" I hear Kuro jeer from upstairs. He comes barrelling down the stairwell, practically running on the walls. " _You're home!_ "

He leaps up into my arms. "Hehe," I chuckle, holding the cat sithe in my arms, "Miss me, buddy?" 

" _Of course I missed you, Rin! You were gone alllll day!_ " He whines. I laugh, setting him on the floor as I make my way upstairs to mine and Yukio's dorm room. Kuro follows at my heel, prancing happily. I absently wonder what he does all day. 

I also wonder what he's gonna do once the Grigori finally decides to kill me. 

I sigh, tossing my backpack onto my bed. It's crazy how different mine and Yukio's sides are-

Mine is messy, clothes strung about and shoes tossed haphazardly onto the floor. My bed is unmade, however, the top bunk is still as perfect as I'd found it the first day of Cram. A few manga posters stick to the wall beside my closet. 

If I didn't know for a fact that Yukio slept here, I'd assume no one even ever used to the left half of the bedroom. The bed is perfectly made, books in place on his desk, closet shut tight. Lifeless. 

To be fair, Yukio was rarely home, so I doubt he really cared about personalizing his side. 

After realizing I'd been standing there, staring, for like ten whole minutes, I shake my head out of my daze and get to work on my assignments. 

______

When I tell you I hate homework- I. Hate. Homework. 

It's impossible to focus for that long! I have literally no idea how Yukio expects me to do all this in one freaking night. 

I shove my books back into my backpack, sighing aggravatedly before leaning back in my chair. 

Everyone always assumes I don't care. They think I fall asleep in class just because it doesn't matter to me. 

Well, it does! I'm gonna become an exorcist, and I'm gonna kick Satan's ass myself! 

Just...maybe after a nap. 

I flop down onto my bed, suddenly feeling mentally exhausted. 

Yukio's words from months ago come floating back into my mind- 

_"Just give yourself up...or die!"_

Die. Yukio wanted me to die. He held a gun up to my head and told me to die. 

If that doesn't scream "I hate your guts" then I really don't know what does. 

I curl over onto my side, trying vigorously to blink away the tears slowly welling up in my eyes. I sniffle, wiping my cheek on my hoodie sleeve. " _Rin?_ " Kuro calls, walking over me on the bed to sit in front of me. " _Are you sad, Rin? Why are you crying?_ " I give him a small smile to try to reassure him, but I can tell it just looks miserable. 

"I'm a little sad, yeah, Kuro." I reach up and pet the familiar, deciding to just let the tears flow. "But don't worry about me, I'll be okay." 

" _I don't want you to be sad, Rin._ " He frowns at me. Can cats frown? Then again, Kuro wasn't necessarily a cat. 

I smirk, feeling warm when he curls up under my arm, close to my chest. I hold him there, feeling comforted by the contact. 

Slowly, I drift away into sleep, forgetting to make mine and Yukio's dinner. 

_Yukio's POV_

I shut the door behind me, shaking the rain off my umbrella. "I'm home, Rin!" I call out into the hallways. 

No reply. 

Usually, Rin always calls back when I get home. Without it, it just feels...lonely. 

Is this what Rin comes home to every day? A pang of guilt hits me in the heart. 

"Rin?" I try again, closing the umbrella and making my way to the kitchen. Ukobach works diligently behind the counter, probably preparing dinner. No Rin there either. 

Weird. Rin almost always makes dinner, he loves to cook. So, where is he, then? 

I walk up the stairs, looking down at the stairwell. I wonder what Rin does here while I'm gone? Pushing the door open, "Rin?" I ask quietly. 

A dark mass moves on Rin's bed. I carefully walk over, sitting at his feet and setting my suitcase on the floor. "Rin?" I gently shake his leg. 

"Mm..." He grumbles without turning. I'm honestly surprised he's slept through this storm, Rin's always been terrified of thunder. 

"Do you feel okay?" I ask, concerned. "It's six, why are you asleep?" 

"'Mm tired." He replies simply, "Sad." My brother replies, probably without consciously thinking. 

"Sad?" I echo, my eyebrows bunching up. "Why are you sad?" 

He suddenly sits up, aware of what he'd just told me. 

_Rin's POV_

Oops. 

"I didn't mean-" I stutter, trying to come up with an answer, "Kuro asked me if I was sad before I fell asleep, so it was just-" 

Yukio interrupts me, "And why were you upset?" 

"It doesn't matter now." I insist, rubbing my eyes and moving to crawl off the bed. 

"Well, if it's affecting you, then, of course, it matters, Rin." He grabs my wrist to keep me from walking away. 

I huff, "Well, it only mattered, like, a couple of hours ago. I'm over it now, so what's the point?" 

Yukio's eyebrows bunch with concern as he adjusts his glasses. "Rin, you really can't mean that." 

"Yukio, I-" Thunder booms through the room. I flinch, looking out the window at the greying sky. "When did the storm start?" 

"A few hours ago." Yukio sighs, standing. He sets his suitcase on his side of the room, slipping off his shoes. "When did you fall asleep?" 

"Uh..." I try to think, "Sometime before the storm I guess." 

"Long time." He hums, "Are you sure you're feeling okay?" 

I shrug, "About as good as I always do." I was honestly surprised Yukio cared all that much about my own well-being. 

My response only seems to worry my younger brother more. "What's that supposed to mean?" It's not sharp or angry like I'd expect it to be. It's soft, concernedly curious. 

"It meansssss-" I trail off, playfully raising my eyebrows at Yukio, "Let's go get dinner." 

Yukio seems dissatisfied with my answer. "Alright, but this isn't over." He holds the door open for me, and we walk down to the kitchen together, silently. Kuro follows right beside us, the pitter-patter of the pads of his feet on the concrete being the only noise. Occasionally, thunder would clap through the building, and per usual, I'd flinch and duck instinctually. 

"Are you okay?" Yukio kneels beside me. I was crouched down, taking deep breaths to try to calm myself from the excruciatingly loud weather blowing around outdoors. 

"Yeah," I give him a reassuring smile, "Just gotta take a minute." 

"That's okay." My brother gives me a small smile back, resting a hand on my shoulder for comfort, "I can wait." 

After a moment, I'm able to calm my racing heart enough to finish the journey to the kitchen. I grab my tray from the counter, "Thank you for the meal!" Yukio and I thank the kitchen-demon in unison. 

I poke around my meal, occasionally reaching down to give Kuro a slice of fish. "Have you done your homework?" Yukio asks. 

I groan, "I tried, I really did!" I insist. "It just makes my head hurt and all the words get all jumbled." 

Yukio's quiet for a moment, "The words are jumbled?" He echos. 

"At least that's what it feels like!" I whine, dropping my head onto the table. 

He brushes it off, shaking his head slightly, "Are you gonna eat your dinner?" 

I sigh for what feels like the millionth time today. "I'm not hungry." My paternal twin eyes me skeptically. 

"Alright," He gives in, "You can go back to sleep if you'd like." 

"Don't know if I can." I reply sheepishly, scratching the back of my neck. "I think I'm gonna help Ukobach clean and make our lunches for tomorrow." 

Yukio nods, yawning. "I'm gonna shower, I'll be down in a bit." I nod. Yukio usually has a cup of tea before bed. 

I clean off my plate in the trash, then take mine and Yukio's plates into the kitchen. I start washing them in the sink, flipping around when I realized Ukobach wasn't there anymore. "Oh, come on!" I whine. Ukobach left me to clean up the entire mess, probably because he was upset I'd tossed the food he made me. "I'm sorry, Ukobach, I really am. It was really good, I just don't feel well." I try to explain. 

I hear a grunt of acceptance from underneath the oven, but he still refuses to show. "Okay, okay..." I grumble and get to cleaning. 

I was about halfway through when things start to get out of hand. Reaching for the towel, I somehow neglected to realize a cooking knife had been hiding underneath. I slice my hand on the cutlery, giving a yelp at the stinging pain that rushes up my arm. "Damn it!" I curse. 

As quick as I'm able, I drop the knife and run to the sink. Blood streams freely from the wound, leaving me feeling lightheaded at the sight. 

I pause. 

The stinging pain provides, if only for the present fleeting moments, a relief. It grounds me from the sadness I'd been experiencing since I'd first fallen asleep. 

I knew it was wrong, a serious taboo, to find relief in doing this, even if it was an accident. But I can't deny how much better I feel. 

Suddenly, the door slams open. I flip around, surprised, finding Yukio standing at the threshold with his jaw agape, "What happened?!" He freaks, running to grab a towel. He presses it against my palm and I shriek with pain. "Rin?" 

"I-I-" I stutter, my brain feeling oddly more collected than it had before the accident, "I grabbed the towel, but the knife was under it!" 

Yukio gently peels the towel away, cursing when the blood has yet to stop. "It's cut deep." He leads me to the sink. Carefully, he washes my hand under the cold water. 

"Yeah, it hurts." I chuckle stressfully. I'd never tell him I find relief in the pain, he'd throw me in a looney bin if he ever knew. 

"Why isn't it healing?" Yukio asks concernedly, pulling my hand from the gushing water to inspect the injury. "With your abilities, it should've at least stopped bleeding by now." 

I shrug, honestly lacking any response. With the rag now drenched in blood, Yukio tosses it into the sink and grabs a first aid kit from under the sink. In that short time, blood had started flowing down to my forearm again, dripping off the end of my elbow. "Uh, Yukio?" I stutter, suddenly feeling oddly woozy. 

I start to fall backwards, catching myself on the counter with my left hand. "Nii-san!" Yukio calls, rushing up to help steady me. "Here-" He presses a wad of gauze into my wounded palm, quickly wrapping it with medical tape afterwards. "That should at least try to stop the bleeding." 

I squeeze my eyes shut, feeling nauseous from the suddenly spinning room. "I think I'm gonna hurl." I grimace. 

"Here!" A trash bin is shoved into my hands. I lose what little of dinner I'd eaten, gasping for air once I've finished. Yukio rubs circles into my back, trying to comfort me. "Let's get you into bed." He wraps my left arm around his shoulder, guiding me upstairs to our bedroom. It all feels like a blur, but next thing I knew, I was lying face-up in my bed. 

"Thanks, Yukio." I murmur, trying to squint past the blurriness to see my younger brother. "'M sorry." 

"It's okay, Rin. It's not like you meant to do it." He sighs, looking down at his bloodied hands. He'd surely need another shower. I felt bad, considering he'd already taken one. "Does it still hurt?" I'm sure that was his way of asking if it'd started healing yet. 

"Like a mother." I chuckle lowly, "Feels okay though." 

_Yukio's POV_

I sit at the foot of Rin's bed again, "It feels ' _okay_? Didn't you just say it hurt?" 

"Yeah, but not like a bad hurt." His words slur together. His arm lays slack off the side of his bed. I pick it up, placing it on his chest to at least keep it a little elevated. "Like a goooood hurt." 

My eyebrows bunch together in confusion, "A _good_ hurt? How-" A realization hits me. "Rin, did you hurt yourself on purpose?" He shakes his head vehemently, but obviously immediately regrets the quick motion due to his nausea. "Would you hurt yourself on purpose?" 

My older brother goes quiet, and I can see him squeeze his eyes shut tighter. "I'm tired, Yukio." His response only sends more concern flooding through me. 

"Okay, Nii-san." I give in, watching him as he falls asleep there, on his back with his injured hand laying across his chest. 

Maybe I shouldn't leave him alone in the dorm as much as I do...

**Author's Note:**

> ngl idk what this book is even gonna be about but i love these brothers too much to not write them :,)
> 
> comments are very much appreciated! updating soon! 
> 
> 02/19/2021


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